how i got here

I’m not sure how I got here. And you know what, I think that’s Biblical. I do.

Proverbs 20:24 says, A man’s steps are directed by the LORD, how then can anyone understand his own way?

And let me tell you, that has been the theme of this past year. I came down to Wheaton for one purpose: to pursue gospel ministry in the context of high school discipleship. I had great mentors, and wonderful, God fearing men guide me along the way. I was on staff at a gospel centered church (ironically hard to find) and it was a gift. But somewhere between holding two jobs and feeling a little burned out, I applied to law school (the natural thing to do when your tired), and that felt right.

There was no voice, no miraculous conversation, but I applied to law school. And I got in. DePaul Law not only granted me acceptance but a generous scholarship, so I said yes.

Here’s the question I toss and turn over at night: how will I preach the Gospel as a lawyer? Because I really do love to preach. I love to preach to myself and I love to preach to others. If it’s helpful insert “remind people about how loved and sought after they are by Christ” for preach. I need this preaching. We all need this preaching.

But i’m going to law school and this feels right. Yet, without any lightening or fleece this can feel incredibly disorienting. And maybe that’s the point. Maybe we can’t hold the mystery of our lives. Maybe the Creator of green hills and blue seas, knows more about crafting a life than I do. Maybe He likes to tie strands together we would have held separate.

So here’s what I think. I think I’ll try to preach a word that I’ve always struggled to ingest: God is infinitely merciful and infinitely just and He calls us to both.

I feel too much. (And there’s a great book about this I would recommend). When I see injustice and pain and victims’ mothers unable to stop crying, I feel a lot. I feel sadness and anger and hurt and doubt. I feel burdened by their sadness and I want to do everything I can to make victims know there is a God who cares about setting things right. Because He does. He really does. He cares about the sexual abuse, the slanderous defamation of character, the lying boss, and the violent boyfriend. He cares and He is not silent.

But, He also cares about the abusive husband and the drunk driver. He also loves the cheating spouse and slanderous co-worker. He aches with love. Not because of their actions but because they are His. He created them. And I want people to know a God that loved them so much He gave up His boy, His child, His twinkle, His only son. I want people to know the word “resurrection” and hear it ring in all corners of their life.

And not only do I feel too much but I have a knack for finding holes. I find gaps in coverage. I find discrepancies. I find risk. So I want to use this heart that feels too much and this mind that races until midnight. I want to use these things and help stop the bleeding. I want to show the victims that justice can be real, God sees and He acts. But I want the Abuser to know the word “justice” but never “condemned”. I want the criminal to know that blood washes everything and I need it just as much.

I want these things. I want them with all my heart.

I’m not sure how I got here. I’m not sure what this year was all about. But I’m going to law school in 8 days and I just wanted to let you know: I’m going because God cares about making things right and grace is an open invitation.

I’m going to fight for the victim without vilifying the offender. I need your help because this will be hard but this is our charge:

He has shown you, O mortal, what is good.
    And what does the Lord require of you?
To act justly and to love mercy
    and to walk humbly[a] with your God. (Micah 6:8)

One Comment Add yours

  1. mary besreman says:

    Awesome!Guard your heart and that passion.The enemy would like to steal them-especially in law school.Hmm,maybe God wants you to “preach” wherever you find yourself.

    Liked by 1 person

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